If JAMAICA were an Actual Woman, she would be… #JamaicaIndependence51



Zahra Redwood

Happy 51st birthday Jamaica! Woot! Woot! Yaay! Rae! Woi! Lawd! ‘CD Master di real blaster’, Pull Up! So now that I have celebrated my country’s independence and showcased my patriotism in true Jamaican style, I shall now ‘stookie’ my way into why I felt the need to blog about Jamaica.  I love my country with all my heart and I guess I just wanted to contribute something to her today. I decided why not personify this little island. So, here goes.

1) She would be extremely sexy

Have you ever looked at Jamaica on a map before? Isn’t Jamaica curvaceous? Especially wid da likkle curly part deh rite a Clarendon.  Jamaica would have an hour glass figure. Not even Kim Kardashian could compete with her.  Small waist, broad hips, thick legs, full breast and a bootyllicious derriere. Oh, how could I forget her ‘kitty’ wuda be so turnt up till all Portia wuda tax it.

2)  She would be a bit ratchet or at least have a ratchet side to her

Jamaica’s facebook name would probably be ‘Jamaica Stay-Good Bristish’ or at least something close to that. Once a song a give instructions she willing fi dweet. If a 6:30 she can do dat, kotch, jump, siddung or bruk it down she is more than capable to execute. She wuda frighten fi foreign man wid a passion. Sad to say, there is a huge possibility that she would be extremely ‘HYPE’. She would probably be attending Dream Weekend right now courtesy of a loan she attained. In other words, she wuda spend money weh she nuh av, jus fi floss and wen she go home bawl bout hardlife. Not even gonna address the heap a people she wuda owe.

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3) Jamaica would have a ‘warm’ personality

She would be charming, vibrant, essentially the life of the party. Not to mention, hardworking, determined, passionate, street-smart and a avid patois user.

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4) Would be the Queen of Chores

Jamaica would be a neat freak, constantly tidying up around the house.  Taking care of her children. Cooking, cleaning, washing and still finding the time and energy to ‘dashout’ in the bedroom.

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5) She would have 14 children

No need to explain this one.  Her favorite would be James.

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6) Would be overly religious

She wuda mek Betty-Ann Blaine look like she naah try.  Front row at church would be her second address.  Grace Thrillers would be played each Sunday morning as she prepares breakfast in the kitchen.

Miss Kitty boogies

7) Would love to gossip and enjoy ‘excitement’

Each situation would be seen as an opportunity to use the words ‘Rae, woi, and lawd’

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8) Would be committed to a rasta man.

Yes, Jamaica would want a “natty on her frontline.”

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9) Would be multi-talented

Jamaica would excel in track and field, agriculture, beauty pageants, dancing, deejaying etc

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10) Would be violent

Just picture a Jamaican Madea. Cross, angry, miserable! Naah tek nuh tuff chat from nuh boy, nuh gal, no day!

 

Thanks for reading. Feel free to rate and comment.

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